AI “thinks” hospital gowns make sense

Do you?

Marc Andreessen is a very successful Silicon Valley venture capitalist. In picking and investing in early-stage tech companies such as Twitter and Facebook years ago, you could say he swims with the sharks, and swims very well. His firm has over $45 billion under management. He was recently the subject of a wide-ranging interview by Bari Weise, the intrepid founder of The Free Press.

The hottest thing in Silicon Valley these days is AI – the acronym for Artificial Intelligence. In its true definition, AI is much more than the next generation of powerful computers. If you ask Google Assistant or Apple Siri a question, it will search the internet for data pertaining to your question, aggregate that data, synthesize an answer, and write it up in understandable language.

It has what computer scientists call a heuristic ability. It learns. If it were playing chess with you, it would quickly learn your tendencies – and thoroughly kick your ass.

Andreessen remarked among other things that AI has been “a censorship machine . . . right from the very beginning.” That statement made in passing made headlines as an indictment of AI.

But that’s not exactly how Andreessen intended it. He actually thinks AI is a good thing and will make for a better world, and I tend to agree. But there’s a danger.

The danger is the oldest danger in computing: it’s GIGO, or “Garbage In Garbage Out.” AI is not in contact with the real world. What it knows about the real world is what it gathers on the internet. Its answers are only as good as you yourself could get on the internet if you took the time to do so. And it does not have the rich context of a human’s lifetime of experience in interpreting casual language, particular circumstances and unreliable sources.

AI has infinite knowledge and zero judgment.

I saw this recently when I was in the hospital for some minor open-heart surgery. As hospitals do, they insisted that I wear one of those “gown” contraptions that are open in the back so that your buns hang out.

I find this piece of apparel quite annoying and embarrassing, and I know you do too. I’m guessing the hospital employees do as well, since an average hospital patient is not someone whose buns you would want to ogle.

So, I asked Google Assistant why hospital gowns tie in the back – where they cannot be tied at all. Here’s the answer I got back:

Hospital gowns tie in back for a variety of reasons:

Translation: There’s no good reason, but there’s a “variety” of them. Google Assistant listed them:

*Easy access: The open back design allows medical technicians to quickly and easily access any part of the patient’s body for examinations, treatments, or procedures without the need to fully undress the patient.

It allows easy access alright. But there’s a big but. The big but is that it allows access to only the patient’s big butt. In my personal experience, that part of the patient is not the focus of many medical procedures. And, contrary to what Google implies, the patient in a gown is completely undressed apart from the gown.

There’s more.

* Patient Comfort: The loose fit and open back design can help prevent overheating and discomfort, especially for bedridden patients.

Patient comfort? So, will patient gowns catch on outside hospitals? Will they be the next big thing in fashion, replacing jeans and hoodies? Because they’re just . . . so, darned, comfortable?

And overheating? I find hospitals to be cold, if anything. I cannot remember a time when my buns were so hot – in any sense of the word – that I wanted to whip them out.

* Modesty: While the open back design might seem counterintuitive, it can actually provide a sense of modesty. The ties can be adjusted to ensure the gown stays securely in place, covering the patient’s back and providing a sense of privacy.

That’s not just “counterintuitive.” It’s a bald-faced, butt-on lie. The ties are not long enough to extend around to the front in order to cover the patient’s back, as AI admits in its very next bullet point:

* Efficiency: Tying the gown in the back is a quick and simple process, saving time for both the patient and the medical staff.

How on earth is tying a string behind your back “quick and efficient”? Try it sometime, Google Assistant.

Overall, the design of hospital gowns is a balance between practicality, comfort, and modesty. The open back with ties is a design that has been found to be effective in meeting the needs of both patients and healthcare providers.

That’s all a big fat lie. But don’t blame AI. AI thinks it’s true because . . . Garbage In, Garbage Out.

This is a trivial example to prove Marc Andreessen’s point. AI is only as good – and is just as bad – as the information it receives. AI thinks hospital gowns are efficient, convenient and modest because the internet says so. If I were to say something contrary to that, AI would say I’m wrong.

This extends to everything – global warming, Jan. 6, Russian collusion, the Kennedy assassination, election rigging, and drones over Jersey.

That’s the sort of censorship we’re looking at. It’s a pervasive, insidious thing. We cannot put AI back in the genie bottle, nor should we. But we should carefully monitor and dispute the information it relies on for its pronouncements, and take those pronouncements with a large grain of salt. That won’t be easy.